Year end reflections

It’s that time of year again, when people write and share a reflective post about the past 12 months. I often partake in this ritual, and it usually ends up being a cathartic exercise for me personally. My hope when I share my thoughts is that they will ring true and provide a means of reflection and possibly similar catharsis for others.  To that end, integrity demands an honest look at the good, that bad and the ugly, so that is what I will strive for here. 

2024 was hard for me in so many ways.  The accident I had with Luna just before heading to Ocala and the state of anxiety and self-doubt it left me in were a rough start.  The internal dilemma I had about keeping or selling Lila added a layer to that discomfort, and the actual act of letting her go, even to the most perfect home, was much more painful than I had imagined it would be.  Getting to support my friend Tik at Road to the Horse, and all the emotions that went along with that surreal experience, was something I was so grateful to be part of, though the group of us who were there never got a chance to process the experience together, as we all had to run back to our busy lives as soon as the event was over. That became its own strange weight to carry. Then I was back in Maine, prepping for a FULL season of clinics at my farm, traveling to teach at expos in Ohio and California, teaching clinics in New England, and flying to Germany to find my next partner, all amid working with my students and training horses at home, planning and executing farm projects, supporting my staff, and finishing the first draft of my book, all with preparation for the Mustang Classic with Luna in September continually on my mind. Every one of these things became part of the overall load I didn’t even realize I was carrying until, in June, I had a chance to update a beloved cousin about my recent life.  I remember her eyes growing wider and wider as I listed all of the events of the prior six months, and my voice shaking as I started crying, relaying it all.  “Wow. That is a lot.” she said, and I fully recognized for the first time that it was. 

Sometimes it feels like the only way to manage my perpetual load of things to do is to put my head down and just keep doing it.  The unfortunate side effect of that existence for me, is that I never give myself a chance to sit with how any of the doing feels.  I allow myself small doses of it when various things are happening, though I knew from my reaction to my cousin’s statement as she listened to the recounting of my recent life, that I had not fully processed anything.  I was telling myself the story that I didn’t have the time, and even after that conversation, I kept that story up.  I wondered why I just felt off…not like my usual happy, go-getter self.  I wondered what I needed to better support myself. Acupuncture? Chinese Medicine? More Meditation?  Medication?  None of those answers seemed quite right, and even though I was suffering daily, I knew on some level that the right answer was out there, and that it would present itself in time.

Throughout the year, there was also so much joy!  I had access to the help I needed with Luna in Ocala, and we turned corner after corner in our work together, which left me feeling excited about the Classic. I got to watch Tik be an example of the kind of horsemanship I strive to bring the world, and win Road to the Horse.  I knew in my heart that Lila became someone’s literal unicorn and that she started living her best life, through all of the wonderful updates and photos her new family sends me.  I got to travel to Germany and find my next partner, a quality of horse I never thought I would have the privilege of owning.  I hosted some of the most amazing clinicians at my farm; Tik and Sinead Maynard, Sabine Schut-Kerry, Luke Gingerich, Lauren Sprieser, Tamie Smith…every single one of them brought a level of expertise and education that I am beyond proud to offer at my farm.  I got to watch my students struggle and overcome, thrive and learn and become the partners they want to be for their horses, on the farm and off.  I was able to see my children explore new parts of the world on our trips together, and have the opportunity to be someone they talk to about their lives every day.  I got to hug them and tell them how much I love them, and feel that from them in return.  I watched as my husband imagined and then constructed things, figured out solutions to what seemed to me like impossible problems, and thrived in his own chosen competitive pursuits. I jumped into a new area of the horse world by joining the Mustang community, and placed 9th out of the more than 60 competitors at the Mustang Classic, with the unbelievable support of my family, friends and clients.  I spent dedicated time with friends, both horsey and non-horsey, and felt a kind of balance in my life that I have not always felt, feeling peace and contentment among horses and also among humans.

In October, I connected with Natalie Hummel, who I had known about through several mutual friends, and had listened to on a number of podcasts.  I had known for a long time that I wanted to meet her, and felt that she and I would connect.  I was right, and when we did talk, I could feel the right next step presenting itself, in the form of Natalie’s urging me to join her How to Perform program that began in November. There was an inner HELL YES resounding in me, even as my mind brought up all the reasons joining the program was impossible and scary.  I followed my intuition, and jumped in, discomfort and all. I can say for certain that this was the right answer; the path I had been leaving myself open to find all year.

I have started sharing tidbits about my experience in Natalie’s program, and there will be much more shared as we move into 2025 (stay tuned for some exciting news!).  I am sure that the coming year will hold as much hardship and as much joy as this past year did, as this is the nature of our lives.  The farm will again be hosting a list of AMAZING clinicians, I will watch my book be released, continue getting to know my incredible new horse, Fox, supporting my friends in their equine and non-equine pursuits, working hard to keep my farm running smoothly and my staff content, showing up for my clients and training horses to the best of my capacity, loving my children, watching them grow, and thanking my lucky stars that I have Nick as my partner on this journey.  In the coming year, my deep desire is to embrace it all, the highs and the lows, with more grace and acceptance than I ever have in the past, a skill I am always relearning and continually upleveling.  I will become more like Luna, my mustang, who stands unwaveringly in her integrity, knowing who she is and accepting all that this life holds for her.  I will not expect 2025 to somehow be better than 2024.  I will instead know myself better through it, and in doing so, I will continue to shift the paradigm in the horse world, for the sake of all of the horses and humans who inhabit it.